Humorscopes
by MizuneMinamiki
Summary: Everyone recieves a horoscope based on their zodiac signs. Well, here are some funny horoscopes for our favorite Beyblade characters. Rated T only for the cruel humor and slight hint at romance. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE MESSED UP COMEDY! •COMPLETE•


**Okay, so first, here's a WARNING: The humor is quite…unusual. I got most of these **_**humorscopes**_** from a hotline. If jokes about cancer or erm…minor sexual hints bother you, then I suggest you turn back now. Also, please note: I think cancer is a very serious subject. I do not intend this to be offensive in any way. Thanks for understanding.**

**And honestly, it's a bit rushed. But it is old. So….**

**I don't own Beyblade. (obviously)**

**So…here's the story.**

"Why _exactly_ are we here?" Kyoya demanded, narrowing his eyes at Ginga and Madoka. His gaze drifted to Demure as his former teammate reached the bottom of the stairs and headed silently over to one of the corners in the B-Pit's basement where Madoka had called them all to meet. Then, he glared back to the red-haired boy as he began to speak.

"Just sit down," Ginga instructed, waving a hand to gesture toward the couch opposite him where Hyoma and Hikaru were sitting. "I have to read your humorscopes."

Kyoya tilted his head back, groaning, and murmured, almost inaudibly, "Wasting my time…" He collapsed between the two icy-haired bladers and turned to the left to meet Hikaru's gaze with a bored expression. "S'up?"

"Don't you mean horoscopes, Gingie?" Yuu asked, springing over to Tsubasa, who was resting in a chair. He grunted in surprise as the hyper kid landed in his lap.

"Nope. I mean humorscopes. Your…" He exchanged a mysterious glance with Madoka, full of laughter. "…funny horoscopes. You have to hear them." Ginger held up a piece of wrinkled notebook paper, scribbled all over with messy ink.

"But I don't want to hear my horoscope," growled Kyoya.

"It's humorscope, Yo-Yo!" Yuu laughed.

"Whatever."

"We're still missing some people," said Madoka as her aqua eyes scanned the room. Yuu and Tsubasa were on the chair; Kyoya, Hikaru, and Hyoma were on the couch. Benkei had not been obnoxiously stalking Kyoya because he stood near Kenta and Teru, stuffing his mouth full of cookies. Demure kept to himself and waited quietly in a corner with his arms crossed and eyes closed. Tobio and Ryutaro were standing side-by-side, Ryutaro holding up a little fan to cover half his face. And the crabby Tetsuya sat crisscross on the floor, watching a little crab scuttle around.

Just as Madoka was about to point out who had yet to show up, the slam of a door came from upstairs, and everyone directed their attention to the stairs as two teens stomped their way down. When they reached the bottom of the staircase, the headed to another corner of the room and stood next to each other. They crossed their arms, their movements perfectly in sync, and asked in unison, "Why have you called us here?"

"Humorscopes!" Yuu cried, bouncing impatiently.

Tsubasa's voice was barely a grumble. "Quit squirming, Yuu. You're too heavy."

"And that's everyone. Let's get started, shall we?" Madoka said, flashing a smile to her friend in blue at her side.

Ginga glanced over everyone, his amber eyes twinkling. "Who wants to hear theirs first?"

Yuu almost leaped out of the silver-haired blader's lap, bobbing up and down and shrieking in exhilaration. "I do! I do! I do! I do!"

"Okay, then." Ginga scanned the paper. "_Libra (September 24-October 23)…Your life is in jeopardy. However, you will be able to fend off your attackers with an old spatula and help from the evil robot across the street."_

The orange haired kid seemed to be taking it seriously, because he looked at Tsubasa with the biggest eyes and mumbled, "I told you there was something weird about your neighbor!"

"He's not a robot," Tsubasa said flatly.

"Moving on." Ginga spoke patiently, his features lit up by a bright smile. "Who's next?"

"Sure, why not?" Teru lifted one hand in acknowledgement. "Virgo and I would love to hear this."

Ginga read from the sheet of paper, squinting for a moment to decipher the writing. "_Virgo (August 23-September 23)…Today is your day. To die."_

"Oh no!" Teru put the back of his hand to his forehead and tilted his head back dramatically. He held his bey in front of his face. "Virgo, I guess we won't be shining so brightly today, my friend!" He bounded to the stairs like the graceful dancer he used to be, his golden hair dancing perfectly around his shoulders, and ran up. Everyone was quiet enough to hear the door shut as he left the B-Pit.

"Okay, then." Madoka took the paper from Ginga. "Anyw–" She broke off at the sound of squealing breaks and skidding tires, followed by a loud crash as two cars collided.

"Oh Virgo! Quick, we must get home before something really happens!"

Yuu's voice rang out before anyone could make a comment on the situation with Teru. "Nothing happened; keep going! Tsubasa wants to hear his!" He jabbed the teen in the side repetitively in a series of insistent pokes.

"Aquila isn't a zodiac sign, so we didn't make anything up for it. Sorry, Tsubasa," Madoka replied.

"We you totally should." Yuu settled down and crossed his arms, his face contorted in a childish pout.

After a moment of awkward silence, Madoka spoke up."Any volunteers?" The brown-haired Beyblade mechanic glanced around the room.

"Hippity-hop!" Yuu pointed a finger in Hikaru's direction.

"Hikaru! You've just been voluntold." Madoka smirked at her only female friend, winking at the girl's startled expression. She used her finger to mark her place in the middle of the paper. "_Aquarius (January 20- February 18)…You should treat yourself to something special. Like a shower! Because the cosmic winds have shifted, and there is a terrible odor radiating from your skin._"

Kyoya sniffed. "Now that she mentions it, you do smell funny."

Hikaru held her wrist up to his nose, her face turning a bright shade of red. "My new lotion smells like cotton candy!" she defended herself.

"I don't like cotton candy," he replied bluntly, pushing her hand away.

"How do you _not_ like cotton candy?!" Yuu shrieked, infuriated.

"Kyoya!" Madoka interrupted their quarrel. "Leo's humorscope."

"I don't want to hear it."

"Well, you're going to."

"I won't listen."

"Yes you will." Madoka took in a deep breath. "Leo –"

"I'm not listening."

"Someone shut him up."

Hikaru reached over to cover his mouth with her gloved hand, giving Madoka a 'go-on' glance.

"_Leo (July 23- August 22)…Your mind will wander to far away places, and you will dream of exotic destinations to escape your painfully boring existence. But these dreams will come as you driving, and you will end up someplace much less exotic – like prison!"_

As Madoka finished, Hikaru leaped away with an _eep!._

"Did you just _lick _my hand?" she cried out, glaring at Kyoya. His only response was a smirk. She sat down beside him again, running her hand along his shirt. "So gross, Kyoya. Now my glove's contaminated."

He casually stretched and put his arm on the back of the couch so it was around her shoulders. "What? I've done worse and you haven't complained."

She pulled her hand back and thumped him upside the head, earning snorts of laughter from the others.

"Hyoma! Thanks for volunteering!" Madoka said suddenly, making the boy straighten up in surprise. She gasped in shock when Ginga leaped at her, wrapped one arm around her waist and reaching for the paper with his free hand.

"_I'll_ read the humorscope for Hyoma since he's a childhood friend," he insisted.

"Gosh, Ginga, you're so immature."

"Am not!" He snatched the paper and bounded away before Madoka could take the list back. "_Aries (March 21- April 19)…There is a mix of good and bad for you. The good news is that you will soon have the best orgasm of your life. The bad news is that it will be quite unexpected, it will be in public, and it will result in cardiac arrest."_

Hyoma's face was red. He glanced at Hikaru – duh! Of course, he did like her! – but Kyoya fixed him with a harsh glare.

"How about Taurus?" Ginga suggested, and Benkei looked up from the now-empty plate of cookies. "_Taurus (April 20- May 20)…Today, the one you idolize will realize just how much you mean to him or her."_

Benkei completely forgot about the sweets he'd been busy with and turned to face a certain teal-haired blader. "Oh Kyo –"

But Kyoya interrupted him with a simple "No," not even caring enough to open his eyes and look at the poor guy, and everything was left alone at that.

"Kenta! You've been awfully quiet over there," Madoka said innocently.

"I don't know about this…" the little green haired kid mutter as Ginga began.

"_Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)…You will run into an old friend on the sidewalk. Unfortunately, you will do it with your car."_

It must have struck Kyoya as funny, because the silent blader began to chuckle darkly.

"I don't even have a car!" Kenta exclaimed, those brown eyes wide as saucers.

"Would you like one?" asked Kyoya, his lips forming a smirk.

Kenta murmured, "No…" and looked to Ginga, waiting for him to continue and embarrass someone else.

"I wanna pick the next one!" Yuu called out, waving one arm frantically. "Him, the guy with the bushy hair! The weird guy!"

Tobio narrowed his eyes and glared daggers at the innocent little kid. "I am _not _weird!"

"Ahh….Captain Capri. Some memories," Kyoya muttered.

"Ready for your humorscope, Tobio?" Ginga asked as he padded back over to Madoka and held the paper out for her to take.

"Here goes," she said. "_Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)…Someone you know may try to assassinate you. Unfortunately, you are not important enough to be assassinated, so they will just kill you instead."_

Tobio shot a glance at Ryutaro, as if he expected the kind fortune-teller to attack him at second.

"Aaaaand Pisces!" Madoka went on. "_Beware of your friends, as one of them is plotting to steal something from you in the near future. Something like a kidney."_

Ryutaro didn't seem to be listening. He continued to wave his little fan in front of his face, peeking at the bushy haired Captain Capri to his right out of the corner of his eyes.

Madoka heaved a sigh. "I guess we'll go to Tetsuya, then," she suggested, turning to face the…unusual boy. "The constellation for Dark Gasher is Cancer, the crab."

Tetsuya looked up at her, uninterested, holding his little crab in one hand and the index and middle finger of the other making a scissor motion.

"_Cancer (June 21- July 22)…Yup! You got it! And syphilis too!"_

"Crabbawhat!?"

That was all Madoka listened to before facing Demure. "_Scorpio (October 23- November 21)…They are coming for you, and they are going to get you. Locking your doors and windows will only slow them down."_

The former member of the African team seemed a little creeped out, but he didn't say anything.

"Is that everyone?" Madoka asked, giving the list one more go-over.

"The twins have been emoing in the corner," Kyoya pointed out, sending a glance in their direction.

"Ah! Gemini! How could I forget?" She cleared her throat. "_Gemini (May 21- June 20)…The stars will soon align long enough to reveal your ideal sexual partner. You will then discover that it is a relative, and this is something you simply cannot ignore."_

Dan and Reiki looked at each other though the corners of their eyes, blushing. A few of the others let out immature giggles. Then, the twins stormed to the stairs, calling out, "This is ridiculous! We're leaving!"

As the door slammed, Kyoya stood and marched over to Ginga. "You called us here for that nonsense?" he demanded. "Karma hurts, Ginga. You just wait."

**So…watcha think?**

**What's your zodiac sign? I'm a Leo! And I'm puh-roud of it, since I'm a Kyoya fangirl! *fangirl squeal***

**Love you guys for reading! Please review, but I kindly ask for no haters.**

**Also, if you saw any grammar issues or anything, don't hesitate to point them out so I can fix them! Thanks!**

**Until next time!**

**(:Mizune**


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